My last

So this is probably my last post. It's not that I haven't enjoyed writing, I just prefer that my continued writing be kept for myself. Hopefully though, this blog will inspire me to finally keep a journal. I've always wanted to but never kept them up for more than a few days. I think that if I tell myself that it is not necessary for me to write everyday that will help. I'm always told that most authors keep journals and while I'm not expecting to churn out a book anytime soon, I do still hope to one day. So hopefully that journal will help. It has been a new experience for me, and I have learned many things about myself that I think would have gone unnoticed. I'm not sure what I have gained, but I do think I have gained something. It certainly got me back into writing and reminded how therapeutic it can be for me. Good-bye for now.

Law and Order

I seem to have a small obsession with Law and Order. It started with Special Victims Unit and has now moved on to Criminal Intent. I'm not sure why these are appealing to me. I mean, I have a theory...I think I like seeing the law work, every time. They always catch the criminal, the criminal is always convicted, and the cops and the ADA's are the good guys. All is right in their world. Cops are honorable, judges aren't biased, and juries make the correct decisions. If only the real world were like that. But it's not. It makes me wonder why I am interested in law and hope to go to law school. Lawyers are rarely the god guys anymore (except of course my dad). For every one lawyer who holds true to their oaths, beliefs, and standards, there are ten more who are using their degree to swindle small companies, poor people, and those who cannot afford proper representation. I find myself, when thinking about choosing a school, which school would attract the lowest percent of these 'bad' lawyers, because that is not what I want to be. But are there really those good guys that I see on Law and Order that uphold the constitution and all that it stands for? Or are they figments of my imagination only real on TV?

Libraries

We have three on campus...but that is not what this post is about. It is about my dislike for them. In theory I should love them, they are like massive book stores where everything is free (and I love bookstores). But in reality they creep me out. For one thing, I can't handle the complete and total silence. I like things to be quite, but silent is too much....it gives me an uncomfortable feeling, sounds let me know that there is another person nearby. In silence, I am completely alone. The other thing I don't really like about libraries is their whole system of shelving. Why can't everything be shelved alphabetically like in the bookstore? It would be so much easier to find. Even when I know the code for the book and have it right in front of me, it takes me a while to actually seek out the book. Maybe that's just me, but I find it very tedious and confusing (I do however like that books on the same subject are in the same place...it helps when the book I need for research is either checked out or in another language. Also, the stacks that move when you push a button (meant to save space) always seem like they belong in some horror movie (actually all stacks seem like they should be in a horror movie). Why are libraries they way they are? Bookstores are so inviting with all their light and comfy chairs, and easy to find books and libraries are just so cold, quiet, and uninviting. I wish I liked them, but I just don't.

Feelings

I told my class, in my presentation that I'm not a 'feelings person,' and I stand by it. I think most people who know me will too. But that is what this blog is all about: my feelings. Except for the last two posts, this has been unintentional. They just popped up out of my writing. I had no intention of making this blog about my feelings towards BM, but I think that is what it has become. And, to be honest, I don't think that there is anything wrong with that. (And trust me, that statement shows personal growth.) I am the type of person who has people read the birthday cards I got them when I'm not there because I may have written how I feel about them (a positive feeling only) and I don't want to see their reaction and I don't want them to see mine...that is just uncomfortable. I'm not saying that having written this blog is going to change the way I live my life, or how I give birthday cards, but it has made me aware of the fact that everything we do reveals some sort of feeling. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that, but that is just how it is...as least that's how I feel it is.

Parents

I noticed something interesting when looking over my image of words. Something I expected to come up more often than it did was "mom". Many people in class had said that they were surprised how much their mothers or families came up in their posts...the opposite happened to me. I am unusually close to my mother for an only child of the female sex. She is my best friend and my confidant...not something most girls find in their mothers. This is not to say that I'm not daddy's little girl (I'm my father's youngest girl, my mother's only child). I love both my parents and enjoy spending time in their company. I often preferred in high school to spend the evening at home with my parents rather than going to a party or a school dance. Some of my friends understand it, others don't, but there is something they can all agree on, and that is that they love my mom. She is one of the most genuine person anybody will ever meet, and she is a lot fun. I've never understood my friends who do not get along with their mothers, but I realized how special my relationship is with my parents in class this past week. I've always felt slightly self-conscious of my relationship with them...it is certainly not normal to enjoy being in your parents company as a teenager. But what I realize,d as all my classmates shared their surprise in finding out how much influence their families have over them, that I shouldn't be wondering why I have such a close relationship with my parents, but why they don't. My parents are my support system, their love will never change depending on who's popular or what I say to them one day. They will never question my anger, only try to understand it. When did it become taboo for kids to be friends with their parents? They have to love you, not many other people have to...why not take advantage of that and love them back? It works for me.

Bittersweet

I'm not sure if classes count as a 'good thing,' but they have ended, and something special happens when classes end. No it is not that it is summer, or May day, or even finals. It doesn't have a name, and it's a bit corny, but here it goes anyway. I find that at the end of a class everyone suddenly wakes up and realizes what it is that they will no longer have in that specific class. Each class (by this I mean the group of students) has a different sense to it. Some are studious, some are deeply connected, and most contain people that you like. The thing is, I never really notice until the last day of class. We all get so caught up in doing well and studying that we forget that class is a great place to make new friends and make bonds with students that are not in your social circle. Unfortunately with me these fellow classmates rarely make it into what I call a good friends category. And why? It is not because I don't like them, or don't have fun with them, and it's not because we don't have things in common with each other. I think it is because they don't know my friends and I don't know theirs. It really shouldn't happen like this. I shouldn't end all my classes thinking "wow it would've been nice to be friends with her." I should be thinking "wow, I'd like to keep in touch with her." I think I did a better job this year connecting with people in my classes. I mean I should be able to connect with at least new person in each class, and I think, for the most part I have. But the problem then comes in keeping up with a person who you now have no common time spent together and you don't share friends. It really shouldn't be a problem at such a small school where everyone, for the most part, are great friendly, welcoming people. So why is it that I end classes with a bittersweet taste in my mouth thinking "that was fun, they were nice" and them close the book? The end of class should be the beginning of new friendship.

Tradition

Earlier in my blog I spoke about traditions being a big deal on campus. I thought that I'd write a little bit more about it considering my favorite tradition is coming up. May Day is a big deal here. I should really say our May Day, as it doesn't always fall on the May Day, May 1st, but around it (the first Sunday of May). This time honored tradition brings me back to what I think BM was like in its earlier years. We take one day out of the year to celebrate being together, and of course, the arrival of summer. Oddly we celebrate summer's arrival the day before finals start, but I think that is important. May Day gives students an excuse to push their books aside for a day and spend it outside with their friends just relaxing. We have a day full of sunshine (hopefully), good food, music, and traditions. Each year the festivities are started off with a breakfast of strawberries and cream (my favorite), followed by a parade, the May Pole dance, the May Hole dance, and other festivities in the afternoon. The day is concluded with a screening of The Philadelphia Story...appropriate for many reasons, one being that Katherine Hepburn attended BM for a while. Each year there is a different theme, making each May Day its own. And I almost forgot the most time honored part of May Day...you must ware an white dress! I can only imagine what it must look like, 1500 girls in white dresses (a bit suggestive no?) frolicking in the sun, picnicking, rolling hoops down senior row (yes...exactly like in Mona Lisa Smile). As an outsider it must seem very odd, but as an insider it is what gets us through the last few weeks of school before the summer.

Words

I realized that I never explained the image that I posted last night. What it is is a composition made out of all the words that I have so far posted on the blog. The website takes all the words, and depending on how often they are used they show up larger or smaller, the larger ones being the most used words. It would make sense that a blog about a college would have school and class used many times. I was however surprised that BM did not come up as often as I thought it would. I am also surprised that like is so common especially since I feel that I have been getting in the habit of posting about my negative feelings. Maybe I'm not as negative as I thought I was. Once again, thank you to M who gave me the idea for it by doing it on her blog.

Stolen

So this is my third post today...a little crazy I know. But this is special. M, a girl in my class that this is a project for did this for her blog and I really liked it. So as copying is the best kind of flattery, here it goes. I can't figure out hoe to get the actual image on my blog so I printed it and took a picture...once again thank you technology. Thank you M for the idea!!!

Class open to the pubic

As I have said before, I am of the opinion that technology makes life more complicated rather than simpler. And here I have a concrete example. I am in class this semester that is basically run on the internet. We have class meetings, but the outline for the class is online, the class notes are posted online after the class, and all of the assignments are done online. I didn't think that this would be a problem for me, but it has been. I was barely getting used to using Blackboard, a site that professors post readings on so that you can print them out, and then I have to learn how to use Serendip. Now I am in no way saying that I don't find Serendip useful for some things...I have another class that uses it, but only as a class website that has assignments, the syllabus, and extra, interesting articles and websites on it...but when the whole class is conducted on the site (as in turning in your papers online and then getting your comments online) it gets complicated and a little uncomfortable. First off, this is not an easy site to use, it has all these little tricks and shortcuts, and even though I have been using it all semester I only know one way to post things and it is defiantly the round about way. But I don't really like having all my assignments online for the world to see. My papers, my responses, my class notes are all there for the world to see. As may have been noticed by the lack of personal information I share on my blog, I don't like being out there. I am a very closed person and like to keep many things personal. I don't want everyone knowing what my professor thought my paper lacked. How does world humiliation help me learn?
Trying to understand why my professor runs her class this way I thought maybe she was trying to be green. But she isn't, for our final she wants us to print everything we have written online and hand in a paper copy. What was the point?I don't understand her motivation.

Heat please

Anyone who has ever been to our campus can tell that our dorms are old. Usually this is what I love about them...the hardwood floors, the fireplaces in the rooms, the stone buildings all create for a wonderful living place. My only real complaint is the heating. When one first arrives to move in, the day is generally a hot one. While carrying boxes up the stairs the absence of air conditioning is very apparent. The absence of overhead fans in apparent. Basically it is sweltering. My first purchase for my dorm room was a fan. So we can establish that when it is hot outside it is sweltering inside. Now, when the weather outside turns colder, there is generally a week where it is freezing inside. This is the week before they turn on the boilers in the winter. Eventually the boilers are on, but sadly this is not a good thing. The boilers have one control: on or off. There is no varying temperatures by floor, and certainly not by room. So what this means is that the for most of the winter a window is cracked to alleviate the boiling heat coming from the basement. Once again, it is hot. Then the boiler gets turned off after spring break. Generally there is about a week where the weather is still cold, but we have no heat. I have to say that this year the heat could have stayed on longer. As we have been waiting for the weather outside to get warmer we are also waiting for our rooms to be warmer. With no heat on at night, the rooms are freezing. I have found the unfindable: the one time when the dorms or too cold. Amazing! I never would have guessed...their trend, if it has not been noticed is to the hotter side. But now all I want is a bit of heat for my toes. I know the second they turn that boiler on though, the rooms will be too hot, the weather outside will warm, and once again I will be begging for some ac.

Self grading

I understand the value in self-evaluation, it gets the student to think about their progress in the class and forces them to reflect on what they have learned in the class. But I can't get over my pessimistic view that the teacher is just trying to get their students to do the teacher's job. The teacher gives the grades and evaluates the student's progress: that is their job...that is what they get paid for. Sure it is good for the student to have an idea about their progress, but ultimately that determination is done by the professor. Most students are going to believe that they did their best and achieved progress...that is what we do in each assignment and paper we turn in. That is precisely why students aren't the best judges on their work...they put time and energy into making the best when before they turned them in...why else would they turn it in if it wasn't the best they thought they could do? I understand not wanting to read everything carefully and add comments and then come to the conclusion of a grade, but that is the teacher's job...not the students. We do our job all semester long by doing the assignments and turning them in, it should not be up to the student to grade themselves...we cannot be objective graders for ourselves. It's just not possible...no matter how much one believes in the honor code.

Image

At BM, students and faculty members have this idea of the BM woman. This idea wraps up all the ideal student and woman who attends BM should be. She must be her best at all times, smart, independent, never appear weak, never ask for help, or show any weakness associated with the female sex. She is better than the average woman and is held to standards most women couldn't meet. At least this is what I have gathered from the hints that have been dropped. Of course no one ever talks about the standard of perfection, we all just work towards it. She changes depending on the student always embodying the strongest ideal for that particular person. She is a Mawrter, strong, independent, and worthy. She does not exist. She cannot exist, yet there is this unmentioned goal for every student to become her. That is what drives us to do well, to compete, and to take pride in our success. Normally i would say something like this idol would be a constructive idea, helping us all grow, but in reality she hurts us all. We are driven to become an ideal and work towards becoming something that is impossible. No one is perfect..."except us," we think. I can't when and where a freshman is introduced to this woman, but I can say the we all know her and idealize her, secretly hating her for making our lives that mush more stressful. Nothing we can do measures up to her, and nothing ever will. Why would the collective school put this extra pressure to achieve greatness on our shoulders? We all come in feeling it, and leave feeling it, knowing that the ideal will follow us throughout our lives, and knowing that we will never truly be the BM woman.

Sustenance

One of the many things that colleges are rated on is their food. It is something of common knowledge that college food isn't the best...it's mass produced by students, why would it be good? Yet we eat it day in and day out. As it turns out, BM has 'great' college food. The Princeton Review rates us at number 5...lucky us. And yet I still find myself eating the same old thing every day: a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast, nothing for lunch, and a peanut butter, honey, and banana sandwich for dinner. I of course add in the occasional cereal, the fruit that kind of looks good but really isn't, and every once in a while I will actually make myself a stir-fry (although the dinning hall seems to think that olive oil is what one uses for stir-fry instead of peanut-oil). What do people do at schools that don't have 'good' food? I suppose we have a good selection, as selection goes, but the selection is the same every night. You can only eat so much mac-and-cheese and pizza, and french fries really do get old. So then I turn to the salad bar, which doesn't change from night to night, so you have a good salad for two nights and then it gets old really fast. Why can't schools make the food they feed us good? We are paying good money for it. I feel that it must be possible, but maybe I'm just an optimist. At least my dining hall is rated. I can't imagine what they serve elsewhere.

The wonderful world of wireless

So our dorms just recently went completely wireless...about a week after I bought a new ethernet cable...oh well. But I think up until now I've been looking at this the wrong way. Of course it is great that I can write an essay on my bed and watch a movie somewhere else and not have to worry about the cord stretching, but I recently found a flaw. You can't really turn it off. When I sit down to write a paper, I like to disconnect my computer from the internet to entirely rid myself of the possibility of procrastinating any longer once I actually sit down to write the paper. But now, with snazzy wireless, my computer is constantly hooked up to the internet...and I'm not sure my will power is strong enough to deal with it. It is of course nice to be able to pop onto the internet to check a source or something, but once on the internet an entire world of distraction is open to me. This is not good, seeing as I generally wait until the last minute to write a paper and don't have any time to play around after I actually start writing my paper. Now I must work on my will power which is pretty week when it comes to things that don't really have consequences...or rather only have minimal consequences that don't make a difference in my life. Sure I loose ten minutes of sleep, but I don't think about that when procrastinating...an art I had perfected before the internet became so readily available. Oh the problems technology create for me.

Finals

One things I love about BM and our finals system is the self scheduled exams. I'm not sure if many schools have this or if it is unique to the tri-co, but it is a system that I love. Instead of being told to go to a specific classroom at a specific time and then sitting down for three hours to complete the test, BM students are given more leeway by most of their professors. We have what are called self-schedualed exams. During the two week exam period, a student can choose when to go and take their exam as well as where they take them. All the exams are kept together and can be handed out at 3 times most days of this final period. The student picks up their final, goes to any one of the designated testing rooms on campus and takes their test. Our exams are proctored by fellow students not in the actual testing room. They sit outside and basically make sure that people are not talking and disrupting other test takers. There is a time limit on the finals, but it is up to you to keep track of your time and turn your final in when finished. Few finals are given in another manner, and those mostly lie in my department...Art History. Understandably, all students in an Art History class need to look at the same slide, for the same amount of time for the final to be fair. So these so called 'slide exams' are given at specific times in a specific classroom with a professor or TA coming into the room to change the slides. There is something so nice about being treated like responsible adults in this manner. Our honor code, a big deal on our campus, holds each student to the same criteria....that we not cheat, that we follow the instructions, and that we do so ourselves. Because of this honor code we are treated like adults and are allowed to act as such...something one rarely saw in high school and I believe something that is rarely seen on college campuses. It is a great feeling knowing that your professors trust you so completely that they do not need to monitor your tests. Of course with this freedom comes responsibility, but the responsibility should be there with or without the system. We are in fact all adults and any adult should have certain values and virtues they live up to...at least that's how we see it here.

The land of TV

When I lived at home television was not an important part of my life. I couldn't watch TV after my dad got home, and my mom didn't like me watching TV so it was never a big after school activity. I was however allowed to watch it when I was home sick. 'Allowed' is of course a cute way of saying my parent's weren't home and I couldn't sleep ALL day. When I was little, I watched Saturday morning cartoons until my parent's woke up, but that was about it. I remember the kids in my high school talking about their favorite shows and what big surprise was on the latest episode, but I never joined in. I didn't watch those shows and frankly liked to do other things better. My mom says that TV made me cranky and put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day, whether or not that is true, I don't know, but TV wasn't a part of my childhood. For the sake of honesty, there were always a few shows I liked to watch if they were on when I was watching, like say Boy Meets World, and I am still a huge fan of West Wing, but that's about where my passion stopped. Until I got to school.
Even though I have never had a TV in my room, the new phenomena of TV online caught me. I started following certain shows, and I hate to say, I still do. Not that it matters, and it's not why I watch TV, but I do fit into those conversations a little bit, and I understand how enthralling the story lines can get. Why I found this out at college is somewhat of a mystery, but I can guess it is one of those things that happens when there is no parent supervision. Netflicks and Hulu don't help either...free TV whenever you want. I would never say that TV has gotten in the way of my studies, it hasn't, but I still feel guilty when I put down a textbook for a break and go online to catch up on a show. I guess my parents did a good job with me.
I certainly never had a problem with Turn the TV/electronics Off Week. It so happens that today was the start of that for my mother's second grade class, and oh how complicated it is now. All we were to avoid was TV, but now they want to know about video games, i-pods, computer games, and every other electronic they own. I certainly love the age we live in with all the gadgets we have, but I do sometimes miss the simplicity of electronics in my childhood. I guess I'm getting old.

Field Trips

As a child I loved the days that we spent out of the classroom. It seems odd thinking about it as I never minded the days we spent inside the classroom, but that is how I remember it. Not many field trips stand out in my memory except the one that I begged and begged my mother to accompany my class on and she did. (This was a big deal as my mother was a teacher at the same school and so could not normally come...a disappointment I got used to early on.) This was the biggest field trip ever...it was our first overnight trip on fourth grade in gold country. All in all this trip was a disaster. In the long car ride up, I had two of my friends, and one girl who had emotional problems and no one got along with. We all worked really hard in finishing up the scavenger hunt along the way only for it to be ripped up by the problem girl. I was devastated. After that, my friends and I did not have a great time. I liked going to the town set up as it was in the olden days, and I liked panning for gold, even though at that age I knew they had planted the gold for us to find. But none of that made me like the trip any better. The car ride ruined it. I had set out expecting to have a wonderful time...after all my mom was coming and it was an overnight. As it turned out I was not good at being with my mom and my friends at the same time and so that caused problems. I also realized why the problem girl was in my car even though I hadn't asked for her...for one she needed a car and no one wanted her, but the real reason was that my mom taught at the sam school and my teacher trusted my mom to be responsible for the girl. Yep...it was all her fault.

Field trips having stopped in high school, except for the occasional AP trip after the tests, I was surprised to find them back in style in college. I have had about two field trips a year...most to museums because of my major. Most of the time, these trips are great. They allow me realize hoe much I have actually learned in the class, being able to go off by myself and understand what it is I am looking at. But I realized this weekend, that not everyone in the class has this feeling of success on a trip, and this time that took away from my enjoyment. I have been to the museum we went to before for another class, so I am familiar with it and its contents. Being the person I am, when I overheard a girl saying she felt lost and had no idea how any of this related to our class I took it upon myself to help her. While I am glad I did, I didn't get as much out of the trip as I usually do, but I had the same feeling. I have never, not even once, thought about being a teacher. It is in reaction to my mother being one, and I can say with almost complete certainty I never will teach. I don't like large groups of children and I just don't really see the worth or enjoyment in the profession. Up until yesterday, I never understood the feeling that was the reason my mother does what does even though the pay is horrible and the reward is often not in proportion to all the work you put in. I think I understand it now, the great feeling you get when you help someone learn about something you love. All I can say is thank god that other people are willing to do this job, we would be no where without them.

When all else fails...study

As I have already mentioned, the time to choose classes for next semester has come, and in thinking about this I have been thinking about my major. I am an Art History major which really has no place in the real world (I'm sorry but my alternative, English, did not either). I have always wanted to write, which hey I'm doing that right now. But no really, my goal is to someday finish a novel I started (slash have an opening paragraph to) on my grandfather and his life. It may seem a boring topic, but only until you actually look at my grandfather's belief systems and the role they played in his life. But that is not where I'm going here. My point is, that I don't feel as though one can be taught how to write and so I veered away from the obvious choice of English for a major and turned towards Art History.

Art History is an interesting subject. While it is all historical, it does not fall under a social science class, but a humanities class. It takes no artistic talent, yet you get to spend your time admiring gorgeous works of art. It's like wandering around a museum all day (and for me that's time well spent). This all leads to something my professor once said about the discipline: Art History is for artists who have no talent for art. For some reason that has stuck with me. In his case, his father was a fairly well known artist and trained him in drawing and painting. When he was far enough along, his father realized he had no talent...or at least not enough...and so started him in the direction of studying works of art. I'm not sure why some people are drawn to the discipline, whether they have any talent in the arts or not, but I found I feel my path was somewhat like my professor's. As a child I loved to draw and paint, and was told I was fairly good...until at about 14, my talent no longer improved and my art kept coming out looking like a child had drawn this. At that point I was one of those dejected art students who defends themselves with the argument that they could paint just as well as Jackson Pollock and so he had no talent either. Needless to say, I am no longer of the feeling, but it did lead me to Art History. If I couldn't use my inspiration for creating art, I might as well spend my time studying the results of genius' inspirations. I now know that Pollock had vision and insight, he did not just splatter paint, he had a theory behind his practice and was the first to think of art in that way; as was Duchamp (a urinal can be art...you just have to explain why and do it first to be recognized). And of course, you have to have the talent to see everything as a possible work of art.

Testosterone

After a long and emotionally straining week, I have come to the conclusion that this school could use some more testosterone. It's not that I don't like being at an all women's college, I like it well enough. Most of the time I don't really notice the difference. I have always had girls for friends and, while I'm used to having at least one guy friend around, it hasn't really bothered me not having them on campus. Until yesterday. I'm tired of having all girl friends. They make everything so complicated and about emotions. I'm not like that. I hate sharing my feelings (as you have probably noticed the lack of them on this blog). If something happens I simply say "Get over it and move on." I don't like talking about things and dissecting every word and innuendo like most girls do. I'm just not that type. I like things clean, quick, and to the point. I haven't really found anyone like that here...or really anywhere for that matter; except for guys. I'm not sure why, but most guys are more detached than girls. While this seems to be the main reason for frustration among girls while dating, I find it refreshing and wonderful. Especially in friendships. I need someone to rant to, someone who agrees that girls are too emotional and won't be offended thinking I'm talking about them. I want someone detached, who doesn't really pay attention to what's going on so that, if it makes me feel better, I can hyperbolize to. I really just need someone who doesn't care about emotions or feelings...I need a testosterone filled man. But where have they all gone? They definitely aren't on this campus.

It's time already

Every year I am caught off guard when the time comes to choose rooms and classes for the next year. That time has come again. At BM we have room draw, a process both hated and loved. I am on the hating side this year as my room draw number is 264 and I want to live in the three most popular dorms. So what to do? Last year I saved a friend from an equally horrible number by doing a hall group...its her turn this year. The problem comes when deciding the actual room. We have floor plans for all of the dorms, yet the rooms never look like they do in the floor plan...it's a nice concept, but in actuality is not really helpful.

As a freshman, I had a nice room, a good size and in a good dorm. My sophomore year I was in a double with a friend that, once we got our stuff in, seemed a lot smaller than when we chose it, but we came to work well with our restraints. This year my room has no real positive side. It is cozy, to say the least, on the third floor, and has no storage room. I somehow managed to decorate it to my liking and now it is home, but I cannot say that I will miss it when I have hauled all of my belongings down the three flights of stairs. But that is life I suppose; you win some and loose some. I have decided this is my year to win some...if all works out.

While everyone on campus is checking out and coveting the few amazing rooms on campus, the task of enrolling for classes for the fall semester comes upon us. Let me just say, this is the one downfall of a small school. I love BM and am generally happy with my classes once I am settled in, but the choosing and the arranging is horrid. First of all, I have found, as a rising senior that I have taken a variation of each and every class offered in my major department. There is no variety. I find myself saying this every year, but I think this time it is actually true. So finding classes that are new and interesting is a chore. Then, once I've found classes I would semi-like to take, they are all at the same time. It always happens. Departments have all their classes on the same days, either Mon. and Wed. or Tues. and Thurs. And, not only are they on the same day, there are only about three or four time slots. I am an Art History major. The lower level classes are in the morning (9 being the earliest, but let me just say I am NOT a morning person and so I have a terrible time waking up for these classes). If the class is not in the morning, it is later in the afternoon (obviously). These times work for me, and as it turns out they are mostly once a week, but that means the class is longer and then does not fit nicely into the time slots left by the two times a week classes. I hate choosing classes.

This year I find myself in an interesting place. I have only three classes before my major is done, and one for my minor...leaving me with four classes to play around with. As I was originally a double major, I have never had time to explore other disciplines as one is meant to do at a liberal arts college. To say the least, I am very excited to start exploring before the end of my free days are done and I move on to law school when there is not an abundance of choice in subject matter. By the time I get all of this figured out we come upon finals. Can I just say summer has never been so attractive as it is right now, sitting in the rain looking over my scheduling conflicts.

Spring has sprung

As today is the first day of spring, I thought this topic appropriate. It is something that struck me the very first time I came to campus and I still find it a little funny (although I must say I now understand the desire). What am I talking about? The mass of students that on the first sunny day after winter don their bathing suits and sun bathe. It happens every year. From the first day the sun is shinning and it is above 55 degrees, girls flock to the greens to get some sun. I now, after a very long and snowy winter, understand the desire to soak up the sun and relish in the delight of it, but at 60 degrees? I still need a sweater at 60 degrees...especially if there is a breeze. It is not warm enough to wear just a bikini. I mean 60 degrees is winter weather for CA (granted a nice winter day, but winter all the same). How can they stand it? I would be shivering. In fact I was, sitting in the sun wearing jeans and a tee-shirt. I see nothing wrong in soaking the sun up, and possibly breaking out the long missed flip-flops, but do so in moderation. I expect to see bathing suits in 90 degree weather, not barely 60 degrees.

Now, I understand that I come from one of the nicest places to live weather wise, CA, and that I am spoiled. But does this race to the sun happen at all colleges? Could it possibly be a BM thing, or an all women's thing? Or do college students everywhere (except good old CA) sun bathe in 60 degree weather? I will never truly be from the east coast.

A place to call home

On my 27 hour way back to school from spring break, I had a lot of time to think about where home is. Was I leaving home or going home? I still can't answer that. My home home, is the same house I grew up in and has been ours for 30 years. It really is my home. Or at least it was until school. I noticed that getting back to my dorm I feel the same relaxed feeling as when I go to my house. It is my bed in the room, all my stuff is there, and it is my natural habitat. But what does that make my house?

As I pondered this, I discussed this with some friends at school. They suggested that maybe since I haven't been at my house for longer than a month at a time since I started school that was the problem and the reason for the shift; though they too felt the shift of their 'home' base and had spent their whole summers at home...so maybe that's not the reason.

Whatever the reason is, it seems to bother me more than others at school. They have gotten used to bm being home and feel like they are coming home at the end of each summer. For some reason this does not settle with me. My HOME is back in CA with my family...at least deep down I feel it should be. I suppose what makes the difference to me is the level of comfort I have in a certain place. I am never more conformable than at my house, but as I visit home on breaks, I am simply a visitor. I come with only a suitcase of clothing and belongings, and put them away in empty drawers and cabinets. I never have everything with me at one place. My room with all my personal belongings, is at my house, but my dorm room has all my important belongings and is my home for day to day life for most of the year. Yet I hesitate to call it my home. I am not from bm, or the surrounding area, so that is foreign, but campus is not.

At some point I like to think that my home is where my family is...after all isn't home where the heart is? But that I find is not right. It is true, my dogs are at home, in my house, but my family can come visit me at school and it does not make it anymore like home than before.

Obviously, from discussion with friends, I am having the most trouble with this...finding a stable place to call home. Maybe it is because my home is my comfort zone, and plays an important part in my life. Can you really have more than one home? (I don't mean a place where your belonging are or an address, but a place that encompasses everything a home FEELS like.)

Not Enough

One thing that I really liked about BM when I first got here was the amount of clubs on campus. The first week of freshman year all of the clubs on campus put on a fair, showing new students what they have to offer. I remember being so overwhelmed with the choices (knitting, crew, greens, democrats, fencing, etc). The options seem limitless coming from a high school which maybe had 5 active clubs on campus. I remember signing up for many and attending some of their first meetings.

The sad thing about reality on a college campus is that most of your free time is not spent in clubs or at the gym, but in the library or your room studying. I should have known, right? After the first weeks of trying to be in three clubs, I had to choose between them. A young, naive freshman, I chose the one which my friends were becoming members of. As a result, I chose a club that, at first, wasn't about something I thought I really cared about. It was interesting, and meaningful, but not something I had previously been interested, and certainly not something I was passionate about.

After the first month or so, my friends stopped going to the meetings with me, but I felt obliged to go. After all, I had been given an appointed position and had a duty to fulfill. As the year went on, I became friends with the older members of the club, and even became interested in what we stood for. The next year I was asked to run for the exec board and I won. I was the new treasurer.

Little did I know that most people, like the few friends I had originally gone to meetings with, become too busy during the semester to be a part of clubs. This is my third year as a member of my club, I am now secretary, and it has become excruciatingly painful. I found something that I was interested in and thought worthwhile and was ready to jump in and start doing some good. But it's not that easy. A club cannot be run by only its exec board, it needs members who are interested and dedicated and actually can come to meetings.

I found out that, as neat as it is for such a small school to have so many diverse clubs, it means that there just aren't enough students to go around. There are few people, in every club that stay committed and come to the meetings and events, but as a whole, the student body is just too small for the amount of clubs and interests on campus. I wish there were something I could do to give people more time and interest, because we really do have amazing things going on around campus...it's just that we are too busy to take full advantage of them.

Inclination for Sleep

I feel I should forewarn my readers...this post in not in the pattern of my others. You will not learn anything about my school life, but about me. Don't worry, I am not about to start sharing my feelings or walk you through a day (although that would seem to fit with the rest of my blog). My blog is not becoming any more personal, but I must write on this.

Sleep has always been a large part of my life. I suppose it is for all babies and toddlers, but I think it is telling that my first clear memory is waking up from my nap at pre-school. I was never one to fuss about taking naps, I might have wanted to continue doing what I was doing, but once lying down, I never complained. (My mother may say otherwise...but this is how I remember it.)

When I was older, and nap was no longer a subject in school, I would nap on the weekends. I can't remember if I took naps on Saturdays, but I can assure you, every Sunday after church I took a nap. At first, I am sure that I took a nap because I needed one, as all small children do. But then, it became a special time for me to spend with my mother. I got to sleep on my dad's side of the bed and cuddle and play with my mom's hair until I feel asleep. I am sure that many times my mother would have liked me to nap in my own room, as I would often prattle on for a while until sleep hit me, but I don't think I ever did nap in my own room. My mom was my nap partner.

This may be more significant than it seems. I am sure not all mother's nap with their children, it is often thought of as quiet time for the parents, but my mom and I always napped together. I suppose my love for naps must have been handed down from her. She is an elementary school teacher and so was always tired as her work was so trying (I think though, she too loves to nap just for the sake of it as I do now).

When I was a little older, probably about fourth to eighth grade, napping became uncool. I am sure I could have used one, but I was a big girl and was given the choice of napping or not. I often flat out choose to not nap, but some days I did choose to nap. I remember nothing was different about those days, I was not more tired, or had less pressing activities, but I wanted to cuddle with my mom. So I would get into my spot, and start pretending to nap. Most times, I couldn't fall asleep and so left after my mom fell asleep to play in my room. I should be clear here, I had other opportunities to spend time with my mom and to cuddle with her, but Sunday afternoons were embedded in my mine as the time to do it.

Later in high school, I became ill and so napping was back in. I would nap after school, sleep in, and go to bed early. I was giving my body the chance to heal. The thing is, I have not recovered from this illness, but it brought napping back into my life. I was more tired than I had been for years and so needed the nap, but I also had desires to nap. Nap time became a time to not do anything. It was at least an hour set aside from my day to not think about school and the work I had to do. I still napped with mother, but something had changed. I did not wake her up as I used to, she woke me up (actually she turned the alarm off and let me sleep as long as I needed to).

My life was not so demanding that I needed to have an excuse to take a break from it, but napping became that, and has stayed that. It draws me in, the warmth of the blankets, the quiet of the room, the free time. I now nap more than most. I often times wake up on the weekend, eat breakfast, and then take a nap. (I am told by my friends that this does not count as a nap, but as going back to bed...it's a nap.) Napping has become ingrained in me. I am often grumpy when I don't get a nap and my naps last longer and longer. I attribute this to the fact that I am just so tired with all my school work, but I must also say I love to nap.

What Makes Us Special

One of the biggest parts of going to an all girls school is the traditions, at least at BM. I never thought that I would find myself in a situation where pagan gods are worshiped and given offerings, May pole dances are celebrated, and freshmen are 'rushed'. No, I am not in a sorority, most all girls schools do not have them, but these things all take place.

Athena, BM's god, is given offerings to help students in both their academic life and their personal lives. While we no longer offer up human sacrifices, or even animal sacrifices, it is tradition for Athena to receive flowers, poems, balloons, and stuffed animals (the toys, not real ones). In return, Athena will watch over you and help you in your endeavors. Athena is such a part of BM that she has her own chant, or rather the students chant to her at any appropriate time (you will find there are no inappropriate times). We thank her for her help and hail her. No, I am not in cult.

One of our biggest. and most loved tradition is what we call Hell Week. While I can not share the secrets of Hell Week, as I swore I would never as a freshmen, I will say that it resembles a sorority rush. Though freshmen have the opportunity to participate or not, this is the biggest bonding week of your entire 4 years here; it is your welcoming into the college.

If any outsider were to show up during one of these traditions, I imagine their eyes would bulge, and their mouths would gape (mine did the first time). But what they would be witnessing is the wonderful community found here. I cannot speak for every all women's colleges, but here we love traditions. It is like we are one large sorority with our latin chants and crazy traditions, but unlike some sororities, everyone is welcomed.

Magical Days

As a Californian snow is a pretty new concept to me. These past couple of days have been filled with stormy weather and snow days. These are pretty new ideas for me, and I expected to be one of the few people on campus with so little experience. It is true that there are many students here from CA and other places that don't get much snow, but I excepted to be the most naive, having only gone snowboarding once and never had tried to downhill ski. It may be that this is simply how I think, always expecting to be the least prepared, but none the less this week has been enlightening.

Apparently, I am not the only one with little snow experience on this campus. In fact, the fact that I had tried snowboarding set me up a rung from those who had never tried. I thought this amazing, as it felt like everyone from home had gone skiing and snowboarding as I kid and I just expected those from parts of the country with snow to have had even more opportunities. What I found was that while the opportunities were indeed plentiful, they were not always taken advantage of. It seems, the more you live in and deal with snow on a daily basis, the more annoying it becomes. I was surprised by the number of girls who had lived in snow their whole lives, but who hated it so much that they don't even want to play with it.

I suppose I'm lucky. Every time we expect snow, my infatuation starts all over again. I get so excited waiting for it to start, and love nothing more than to sit in my window and watch the flakes come down. And once it's on the ground, l can hardly wait to go outside and frolic in it. My guess is that snow will always be as magical to me as it is now, but I worry. I see girls who've lived in snow groan about the forecast and then stay locked in doors on snow days. I can't imagine! Having never had a snow day before, I can't wait to get outside and get the most of it. Maybe it's that I'm immature. Maybe it will soon start to get old. Maybe one day I too will wish for the snow to melt. But right now, I do not know that girl I may become. Every storm is a new adventure waiting for me. And let me just say, I'm waiting for it.

Myself - at school

Writing this blog has forced me to become a narrator in a semi-autobiographical way. It is true that I am writing solely about myself, but through my writing, the reader is able to glimpse pieces of myself, or at least one of my selves. To say that there is a coherent self would be false, for I believe that there are many selfs within our one being. In this blog, I am not showing the reader a coherent life story, or even a partial autobiography. My self is only visible through the hints in the writing.

And which self would that be?

I am surely not sharing my private self, but a public self, one that I am comfortable sharing the world at large. I share personal opinions, yes, but ones that I know to be safe to share, ones that I don't mind other's knowing I believe in. And I certainty am not sharing a self in a set time. I may write posts at specific times in my history, but they are not attached to previous events or emotions in my life.

No one can know me completely by reading what I write.

I do, however, let slip a calculated self that is evident through my voice and topics. If one were to know me previous to the publications of this blog, it may seem as though I am sharing myself with the world. But I am not comfortable sharing my whole self with anyone, for when I do, it is no longer MYself, but a shared self.

On Babies

This may seem an odd topic for a blog about college, but today my nephew was born and so it got me to thinking. Does pregnancy as a topic come up on co-ed colleges as much as it does at an all women's school? It could just be my friends, but until I got here I had no idea what any of my friends felt about in terms of having children. But all of sudden, it comes up as a topic often. I personally, without a doubt, want to adopt. I feel no need to go through nine months of torture and then labor when there are babies all over the world that need someone to love them. Apparently this is an uncommon thought process. Most of friends want at least one child of their own, and most want more. They feel that they were meant to be mothers and can't wait until their time comes. (They even have pregnancy dreams.) What is that about? At school where women are taught that they can do more than just be Suzie-homemaker, why is being a mother so important? My own mother thinks it may just be wired in us as women, after all that is what we were made to do. But living in a society where women have pushed the boundaries and have made it possible for us to do more than just have kids, why is desiring a child so common?

We are surrounded by rooms that women who had to struggle to do more than just get married once lived in. Where is our respect for them and all that they have done for us? Don't misunderstand me and think that I am against being a mother; that is something I would like to do in life, but honestly, I am not in any hurry.

In high school when I once commented on wanting to be a stay at home mom at one point in my life everyone was shocked. Their mouths literally dropped open. How could I way such a thing? To want to raise children rather than being a Senior VP apparently was not how I was perceived. I will never forget the look on all of my male friends' face. They were shocked that such an intellectual person would even consider it. I still want to, at some point in my life stay at home with my child, and I am not of the mindset that you cannot both have a career and be a mother. But I find myself shocked when I hear my friends talk about wanting to be pregnant. I now don the same look all the boys in my class had on their faces. What? Why is that even on their minds right now? Our parents are paying majors amounts of money to make sure that that is not what our lives have to be...why would one run so readily at the thought of having a child?

I must disclose though, that not all my friends feel the same way, there are of course others of my mind set, and then there are others somewhere in the middle, but it still shocks me that anyone at such a pro-women's school would have such a thought. That is not what we are here to do.

Starting Out

I have always been opposed to blogging. I never kept a journal or diary, and I don't think people really care about my daily thoughts...at least I don't really care about other people's. I find no validity in personal blogs. So that leaves us with news blogs, which I don't like either. For one, they take the general public away from the published press and they can't always be trusted giving people false news. I suppose I find blogs that discuss certain subjects interesting and I enjoy a blog every so often that makes me laugh, but I haven't seen the point in following one myself. So here I am, new year, new semester, peeking my head into the blogging world. It should be interesting.

I don't flatter myself thinking that others will be interested in my daily going-ons, and I know that I'm not particularly funny, or so I have been told numerous times. So what to do with a blog?

When talking about a subject matter with friends, we landed on a blog about fashion, or rather about bad fashion, like 'What Not to Wear' blog style. But I am no Stacy or Clinton and I can't presume to know real fashion. I know what I like and what I think looks good as well as what comes off as total train wreaks. So, as to not come off as a stuck-up, wanna-be fashionista I thought I'd carry my friends' idea to a broader place. I attend an all woman's college, a place that only a few people know anything about, truly. Of course there are the myths of an all woman's school which many know, but how many people actually know what goes on inside the dorms? Inside the classrooms, or around campus? To live here is to love women (in theory). So I'm going to explore this place I find myself in and try to relate it to others. It may not be interesting, and I hope to keep my harsh judgements to a minimum, but I'll see where this takes me.