So this is probably my last post. It's not that I haven't enjoyed writing, I just prefer that my continued writing be kept for myself. Hopefully though, this blog will inspire me to finally keep a journal. I've always wanted to but never kept them up for more than a few days. I think that if I tell myself that it is not necessary for me to write everyday that will help. I'm always told that most authors keep journals and while I'm not expecting to churn out a book anytime soon, I do still hope to one day. So hopefully that journal will help. It has been a new experience for me, and I have learned many things about myself that I think would have gone unnoticed. I'm not sure what I have gained, but I do think I have gained something. It certainly got me back into writing and reminded how therapeutic it can be for me. Good-bye for now.
I seem to have a small obsession with Law and Order. It started with Special Victims Unit and has now moved on to Criminal Intent. I'm not sure why these are appealing to me. I mean, I have a theory...I think I like seeing the law work, every time. They always catch the criminal, the criminal is always convicted, and the cops and the ADA's are the good guys. All is right in their world. Cops are honorable, judges aren't biased, and juries make the correct decisions. If only the real world were like that. But it's not. It makes me wonder why I am interested in law and hope to go to law school. Lawyers are rarely the god guys anymore (except of course my dad). For every one lawyer who holds true to their oaths, beliefs, and standards, there are ten more who are using their degree to swindle small companies, poor people, and those who cannot afford proper representation. I find myself, when thinking about choosing a school, which school would attract the lowest percent of these 'bad' lawyers, because that is not what I want to be. But are there really those good guys that I see on Law and Order that uphold the constitution and all that it stands for? Or are they figments of my imagination only real on TV?
We have three on campus...but that is not what this post is about. It is about my dislike for them. In theory I should love them, they are like massive book stores where everything is free (and I love bookstores). But in reality they creep me out. For one thing, I can't handle the complete and total silence. I like things to be quite, but silent is too much....it gives me an uncomfortable feeling, sounds let me know that there is another person nearby. In silence, I am completely alone. The other thing I don't really like about libraries is their whole system of shelving. Why can't everything be shelved alphabetically like in the bookstore? It would be so much easier to find. Even when I know the code for the book and have it right in front of me, it takes me a while to actually seek out the book. Maybe that's just me, but I find it very tedious and confusing (I do however like that books on the same subject are in the same place...it helps when the book I need for research is either checked out or in another language. Also, the stacks that move when you push a button (meant to save space) always seem like they belong in some horror movie (actually all stacks seem like they should be in a horror movie). Why are libraries they way they are? Bookstores are so inviting with all their light and comfy chairs, and easy to find books and libraries are just so cold, quiet, and uninviting. I wish I liked them, but I just don't.
I told my class, in my presentation that I'm not a 'feelings person,' and I stand by it. I think most people who know me will too. But that is what this blog is all about: my feelings. Except for the last two posts, this has been unintentional. They just popped up out of my writing. I had no intention of making this blog about my feelings towards BM, but I think that is what it has become. And, to be honest, I don't think that there is anything wrong with that. (And trust me, that statement shows personal growth.) I am the type of person who has people read the birthday cards I got them when I'm not there because I may have written how I feel about them (a positive feeling only) and I don't want to see their reaction and I don't want them to see mine...that is just uncomfortable. I'm not saying that having written this blog is going to change the way I live my life, or how I give birthday cards, but it has made me aware of the fact that everything we do reveals some sort of feeling. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that, but that is just how it is...as least that's how I feel it is.
I noticed something interesting when looking over my image of words. Something I expected to come up more often than it did was "mom". Many people in class had said that they were surprised how much their mothers or families came up in their posts...the opposite happened to me. I am unusually close to my mother for an only child of the female sex. She is my best friend and my confidant...not something most girls find in their mothers. This is not to say that I'm not daddy's little girl (I'm my father's youngest girl, my mother's only child). I love both my parents and enjoy spending time in their company. I often preferred in high school to spend the evening at home with my parents rather than going to a party or a school dance. Some of my friends understand it, others don't, but there is something they can all agree on, and that is that they love my mom. She is one of the most genuine person anybody will ever meet, and she is a lot fun. I've never understood my friends who do not get along with their mothers, but I realized how special my relationship is with my parents in class this past week. I've always felt slightly self-conscious of my relationship with them...it is certainly not normal to enjoy being in your parents company as a teenager. But what I realize,d as all my classmates shared their surprise in finding out how much influence their families have over them, that I shouldn't be wondering why I have such a close relationship with my parents, but why they don't. My parents are my support system, their love will never change depending on who's popular or what I say to them one day. They will never question my anger, only try to understand it. When did it become taboo for kids to be friends with their parents? They have to love you, not many other people have to...why not take advantage of that and love them back? It works for me.
I'm not sure if classes count as a 'good thing,' but they have ended, and something special happens when classes end. No it is not that it is summer, or May day, or even finals. It doesn't have a name, and it's a bit corny, but here it goes anyway. I find that at the end of a class everyone suddenly wakes up and realizes what it is that they will no longer have in that specific class. Each class (by this I mean the group of students) has a different sense to it. Some are studious, some are deeply connected, and most contain people that you like. The thing is, I never really notice until the last day of class. We all get so caught up in doing well and studying that we forget that class is a great place to make new friends and make bonds with students that are not in your social circle. Unfortunately with me these fellow classmates rarely make it into what I call a good friends category. And why? It is not because I don't like them, or don't have fun with them, and it's not because we don't have things in common with each other. I think it is because they don't know my friends and I don't know theirs. It really shouldn't happen like this. I shouldn't end all my classes thinking "wow it would've been nice to be friends with her." I should be thinking "wow, I'd like to keep in touch with her." I think I did a better job this year connecting with people in my classes. I mean I should be able to connect with at least new person in each class, and I think, for the most part I have. But the problem then comes in keeping up with a person who you now have no common time spent together and you don't share friends. It really shouldn't be a problem at such a small school where everyone, for the most part, are great friendly, welcoming people. So why is it that I end classes with a bittersweet taste in my mouth thinking "that was fun, they were nice" and them close the book? The end of class should be the beginning of new friendship.
Earlier in my blog I spoke about traditions being a big deal on campus. I thought that I'd write a little bit more about it considering my favorite tradition is coming up. May Day is a big deal here. I should really say our May Day, as it doesn't always fall on the May Day, May 1st, but around it (the first Sunday of May). This time honored tradition brings me back to what I think BM was like in its earlier years. We take one day out of the year to celebrate being together, and of course, the arrival of summer. Oddly we celebrate summer's arrival the day before finals start, but I think that is important. May Day gives students an excuse to push their books aside for a day and spend it outside with their friends just relaxing. We have a day full of sunshine (hopefully), good food, music, and traditions. Each year the festivities are started off with a breakfast of strawberries and cream (my favorite), followed by a parade, the May Pole dance, the May Hole dance, and other festivities in the afternoon. The day is concluded with a screening of The Philadelphia Story...appropriate for many reasons, one being that Katherine Hepburn attended BM for a while. Each year there is a different theme, making each May Day its own. And I almost forgot the most time honored part of May Day...you must ware an white dress! I can only imagine what it must look like, 1500 girls in white dresses (a bit suggestive no?) frolicking in the sun, picnicking, rolling hoops down senior row (yes...exactly like in Mona Lisa Smile). As an outsider it must seem very odd, but as an insider it is what gets us through the last few weeks of school before the summer.
Life on an all woman's college campus is not a life many people have any access to. So I'm letting you see my campus through my eyes...not exactly as it is but with a little bias thrown in to entertain.